Inner Worlds

Good grief, it's been forever and a day since I've been on here...


http://www.myspace.com/banshou_7

Wow, I haven't been on here forever. My interest in writing journal entries seems to come and go as much as my interest in anything else. ^_^; I'm odd that way I guess. It is probably the reason I hardly ever finish anything I start.

Anyways, I'm still alive and doing well. I'm looking forward to spring already though. I don't like that there are so few hours of sunlight every day (and that I spend a good deal of them at work). My mood's been up and down this winter, like usual, but things are going well. I'm excited to go home for a while after Christmas, though I'm a bit nervous as well to face how much things have changed there without me. Life moves on.

Merry Christmas to all of you and God bless!

Well, I didn’t intend for it to be months before I updated this site again, but here we are. The move to Montana went fairly smoothly. I’ve got an apartment now, and a job. I work with a lot of very nice people. I’ll have to find a roommate pretty soon, but I’m kinda putting that off as long as possible. I like living by myself and can’t say I’m terribly eager to live with someone I don’t really know. It’ll work out though. It always does.

I’ve found a church that I really enjoy going to. The pastor is very passionate and I love the worship Sunday mornings. There’s a Bible study I’ve gotten involved with too, focused on getting grounded in reading the word of God. That’s a habit I’ve never managed to keep for very long and something I really have to work on. I’m so easily distracted by other things, and I have the bad habit of putting it off til later, then putting it off again.

The mountains are beautiful here, just recently turned white by the first snow. It got cold here very quickly a couple days ago. It’s better than the smoke that filled the valley before though from the nearby fire.

Hmm... let’s see, what else is there to tell...? Not much apparently. Life goes on in it’s new routine and things are good, though I miss the people back in Nebraska.

I hope things are going well for all of you!


Summer Montana Pictures

I haven’t been much of a presence online lately. It’s not that I’ve been busy, exactly, I just seem to go through stages where I want to be online almost constantly then don’t want to be on much at all. Plus I’ve been elsewhere trying to keep distracted. See, if I’m distracted I don’t have to think about the fact that the moving date is getting closer and closer which stresses me out because then I start thinking about all the things I still have to do and all I’m leaving behind. That’s not to say that I don’t still *want* to go. It’s just that it’s frightening to be making such a BIG change. So until I’m settled down there finally, I might not be around online much.

Her strength was found in others,

in the loyalty she inspired with her love.

She didn't have to be strong,

because they were willing to be her strength,

her joy,

her hope,

her haven.

So she was willing to die for them.


...And die she did.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"The vampires have been around for a very long time, though the general population hasn’t always been aware of them. But we certainly all know now. Nearly nine decades ago the vampires decided to come out of hiding. They were tired of hiding their existence and waiting in the darkness for their time to come. Their numbers were growing and a self-proclaimed vampire lord named Viltiago decided it was long past time for the mortals to give up control of this realm. His actions started a war between mortal and immortal that still ravages the world today. Countless humans have been murdered, eaten, or turned. The dozens of lines of vampire nobility have been cut down to the last four strong lines.

I wonder if Lord Viltiago had any idea what this war would do to his own kind. Do you know, Cohnan? If even half the stories I’ve heard about him are true, then he probably just didn’t care. Then again, I’ve only ever heard the human’s side of the story. And I am beginning to believe that we’ve blinded ourselves to the immortals’ side of reality.

Three months ago I would have thought you insane if you had told me I’d ever even consider looking at things from the immortals’ view. But recently I’ve been finding my petty black and white world smothered in grays.

Sometimes I think I liked life better being blind." ---Danae, The Unison of Dreams

Not much interesting enough to report lately. I’ve spent an almost embarrassing amount of time the last couple weeks watching movies, reading fanfiction, and other activities which, while a great deal of fun, aren’t exactly the most productive things. I really ought to get myself into the mood to write again.

Hmm... what else has happened... oh, yeah. My roommate’s puppy had to get a cast, but it’s off now. She didn’t seem to notice it much anyways. It certainly didn’t slow her down at least.

We had some really great thunderstorms this last week. I love the thunder and lightning, but I could do without the wind.

Less than a month til Pirates of the Caribbean comes out!!!!!!!

Well, I’ve got some last minute shopping to do for Father’s Day. No idea what I’m going to get. TTFN!

Plans for moving have changed at least three times in the last week. I’ve been excited, then stressed, then excited, and back again. The only calm comes when my foolish heart remembers that God has it well in control. I believe that I’m suppose to move. And I believe that he will guide those around me in making a decision of whether to come with me or not.

I’ve been working on and off on outlines for the storylines I’ve gotten involved in. It started out with just the one series but ideas have... expanded a bit. I’ve got about 9 ½ out of thirty some outlines done. Can’t think about it too much or I get discouraged by the facts of how unlikely it is that I’ll ever finish them all well enough to satisfy. Especially consider how easily distracted I am and how slow things are coming. Things work much better if I just focus on continuing to work on it. The more I do, the more right the writing feels. Maybe once I feel settled somewhere it’ll be easier.

1 ½ months to 2 months are all I have left here. It’s thrilling and it’s absolutely terrifying. I’ve never lived in any other town. And there are so many people to miss here. But I think this move is right. It’s gotten so it’s the only way that make sense to me anymore. Still... I wish I could take more of them with me.

Not much in life to report. I've been writing a little. Well... organizing ideas is probably a more accurate description of what I've been doing. Other than that and work, my thoughts are mostly spent on moving jitters. Good heavens, I've still got almost eight weeks... wait, wow, that doesn't sound very long. O_O Between the heavy desire to be there and the strong sense that I'm not ready yet, I don't know quite what to do with myself. Distracting myself with writing seems a good option but I never seem to be as productive as I'd like.

Memorial day is this weekend. I keep forgetting.

The amount of time I have left to sleep before my alarm goes off continues to count down, but I still can't seem to sleep.

I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't know I was going to be exhasted tomorrow.

There are times when faith and common sense do not align,
when hardcore evidence of you is hard to find,
and I am silenced in the face of argumenative debate,
it's a long hill it's a lonely climb. Maybe it's true.

Chorus:

Cause they want proof,
They want proof of all these mysteries I claim,
Cause only fools would want to chant a dead man's name.
I would be a fool for you all because you asked me to.
A simpleton who's seemingly naive,
I do believe You came and made Yourself a fool for me.

I admit that in my darkest hours I've asked what if,
What if we created some kind of man made faith like this,
Out of good intention or emotional invention,
and after life is through there will be no You.

Cause they want proof of all these miracles I claim,
Cause only fools believe that men can walk on waves.
Maybe it's true.

Unaware of popularity,
and unconcerned with dignity,
You made me free.
That's proof enough for me.

I would be a fool for You,
Only if You asked me to,
A simpleton who's only thinking of
The cause of love.

I will speak Jesus' name,
and if that makes me crazy,
they can call me crazed,
I'm happy to be seemingly naive,
I do believe You came and made Yourself a fool for me

New eggs:

Graduation weeks are busy at work so I've been feeling a bit ragged by the weekend the last couple weeks. It's better than being bored though. I really really like the newest woman that started working with us. She's really nice and her personality reminds me of a best friend I had in elementary/middle school. I'm going to miss working with her when I move.

I've been stressing about moving on and off this month and I'll probably continue to do so until I'm actually on my way. It's just such a huge change and I don't always do so well getting out of my comfort zone. But I'll survive I suppose.

I went to my half sister's graduation yesterday. It was a very long drive to go for mostly just the ceremony, but it seemed to mean a lot to her so I'm really glad I went. Still, graduation season is the time of year my mother died and the memories left me feeling kinda raw yesterday. But I was feeling pretty okay by the time the four and a half hour drive back home was over (though I was rather sore from sitting in the car so long).

I really need to sit down and take some time to focus on writing. I'm not sure that will happen until I'm settled in Montana though. I'm too distracted right now to be productive about much of anything. The fact that I'll have to say goodbye to a great deal of the people I love in a couple months, even though I know we'll visit, rather makes my thoughts run wild about what I want to do and say before I leave. I miss them all already. And I worry that I haven't done enough. God, please let me see them all in heaven someday. Part of the reason I want to finish this book so bad is that I hope God might be able to work through it and reach them where I couldn't. But I'm not sure I'm good enough to even manage to write something they'd read (and finish it, and get it published...) let alone something that might actually make them think twice about Christianity. I wish I was better at sharing my faith. I wish at least that I had the courage to bring it up in person. I hate arguing, though dicussing God is rather a thrill as long as I know the person I'm talking to isn't going to blow up at me or end up thinking I'm a moron. But I've always been rather bad at debate. And I worry too much about whether people like/respect me. But I worry so much about the people around me, especially the ones I don't really know well enough to feel comfortable bringing up the subject around. We don't hang out enough for it to come up much in casual conversation. I fear I'm just dreaming to think that anything I could do would have an effect on them. Perhaps the best thing I can do right now is keep praying.

Advice of the Day:
Never let something negative be the last thing you say to a person before you walk out the door or before they do. If something sudden happened, if, for instance, they were in a car wreak on the way to where ever they were going, wouldn't you rather "I love you" to be the last thing you ever said to them? Even if you leave angry, always make sure they know you still care. We don't always get warning before somebody leaves us.

One of my cousins has leukemia. We just found out today.

I really didn’t think it’d hit me hard enough to make me struggle with tears. I’ve known since yesterday that it was a possibility, but all I really felt at the prospect was numb. Accepting maybe, I don’t know. It’s not as though it’s in our hands anyways.

It really shook me up, though, when I heard. I mean, he’s so young, just finding his way into adulthood. He has so much life ahead of him. And now... well it certainly isn’t going to be easy for him.

I felt heartbroken for a while. And now I just feel a little empty. Tired I guess. It’s been a long week though and I probably need sleep.

We’re going to see him on Saturday, my dad and I. My brother can’t go but unless the hospital has some rule against it, he’s volunteered his Game Cube for my cousin to borrow. Which is a pretty big deal for him. He’s sweet when he wants to be. My dad and I are going to find some gift to take to help relieve the boredom I’m sure my cousin’s feeling, though we’re really not sure what to get.

Our family will get through this. We always do somehow. And my cousin will be alright in the end, one way or another. I wish I knew how to help better though. I’d rather it be me in the hospital.

There is purpose to everything. I have to believe that.

There is no one who could show me the mountains and then convince me that there’s no Creator, that it came through evolution, that all of it, all of us, just came about by accident. There is too much complexity, too much intricacy, too much beauty for that to ever ring anything but false to my ears.

And there is no one who could show me back through my life, show me the worst and the best of times I’ve been through, show me the problems and the victories and the failures and pain and joy, and convince me that the Creator is uninvolved. I look back through my life and even if I thought none of it could possibly make sense at the time, I can see the evidence of His work through all of it. The evidence of His love. For me. And I can not help but be in awe.

It snowed Tuesday. SNOWED. It’s almost May. Why would it be snowing? The weather’s really been messed up lately. First it was warm, making me think of Summer and all, then it SNOWS, and this morning someone made the comment that if felt like Fall. It really kinda throws me off balance.

Didn’t spend last weekend quite as I planned, but it was close. I went fishing Saturday (well, Dad fished) and managed to get a little outlining done for one of my storylines. My grandma went too, as well as a couple cousins and my brother, so it wasn’t as quiet as I’d expected but I was glad to spend some time with them and I still got a little done. Sunday I went to the park and spent about an hour going through the papers in my Bible case and copying the notes I wanted to keep into a notebook so I could throw out some of the many, many slips of paper I’d tossed in there over the years. I found a lot of verses I’d written down for one thing or another and a lot of sermon notes (which I didn’t completely get through) and some Sunday School lessons.

Things I felt I had to share for whatever reason:

( Notes on keeping resolutions: )

( Notes on changing habits/ourselves: )

( Other: )

I’ve been watching too much TV lately rather than doing something productive or creative. It’s fun but I really ought to learn a bit of moderation. Time flies when you’re watching TV. Grey’s Anatomy is a new favorite. Alias is back on again. I’ve just started watching CSI a bit. And someone lent me the first season of a show called the IT Crowd which is stupid sometimes but terribly amusing. It’s funny in the way Monty Python and the Holy Grail is funny.

Might go fishing again this weekend, except there’s a chance of rain. Goal for the weekend: finish rough storylines for the series I’m currently working on. Oh, and clean. And catch up on sleep so I can stop feeling tired.

Why is it that I’m wired to feel more of a desire for romantic company in the spring than in other seasons? Loneliness can, of course, sneak up at any time, but I’m far more likely to enjoy, and even seek out solitude in the winter than I am when the weather begins to warm and the approaching summer is on my mind. I suppose that’s what they call “spring fever”? I can’t say I ever really noticed it until this year. Of course, last year I still had a boyfriend during this time of year and the year before that I was way too caught up in my own little world of problems to really want companionship and before that there was school to take up my time and social life (or lack thereof).

I really need to get into the habit of reading my Bible more. My goal for this weekend: spend the majority of at least one day doing nothing but reading the Bible and praying and writing. Maybe I’ll actually get something done. [Edit: Actually, I’ll probably end up going fishing with my Dad because he asked me, but I can read and etc there as well.]

My roommate has until the beginning of July to decide whether or not she wants to move with me. At this point I think I’m pretty okay with things either way. She’s great and I’d move all of my roommates with me if I could manage it (as well as all my family and many of my coworkers). I hate leaving people behind. But I’ll be okay if she doesn’t think she’s meant to go to. It’s not like I’ll be there alone. I’m terribly nervous but very excited, I’m trying to put off worrying about any of it till July. I’ll finalize all my plans then and will have to start thinking about when exactly I’ll go, where I’ll live, what jobs I’ll apply for, what church to go to, how long to wait before getting a puppy, whether I should volunteer at the Humane Society, switching banks, getting my car fixed for the trip, getting license, finding a doctor/dentist in case I need one, whether or not I’m forgetting anything, etc. *deep breath* I’ll stress later.

In other news:
ALIAS IS BACK ON!
AND VAUHN ISN’T DEAD!
AND WILL IS GOING TO BE IN THE NEXT EPISODE!
I’m so very excited!!!!

I took the quiz tinchen had on her page. Really is very interesting. And fairly accurate I guess. You can mouse over the colors to see what they represent [or at least you would be able to if I could figure out how to get the code right]. Or if you're really really bored you can read the long version HERE.

Happy Easter!